"How many of us, I wonder, have said hurtful things that have made our mothers cry?"
This is actually quote-unquote taken from my latest reading of Dr Siti Hasmah Mohd Ali's biography, 'My Name is Hasmah'. She wrote that particular question and asked the reader, and I was dumbfounded. She wrote that because she had said some hurtful things to her mother and made her mother cried and explained the actual situation though she chose not to believe it.
This August, marked the fourth year mama left us. My mama. Not being able to call someone with that name is unbelievably hurting my feelings. I am extremely jealous with those who still have their mothers around. Mothers who can cook whatever food they are craving for; mothers who would always be at the end of the line whenever you want to gossip about something; mothers who would non-stop nagging at you for your children upbringing method that you have chosen. I am not able to do all those things anymore.
I know mama would have cried because of the things I did during my younger years. My unacceptable behavior, maybe; my flunked examination results, maybe. I don't know, she might not had done it in front of me.
You see, the thing about my mama, she was so secretive. She nagged to her children but she was not the type who would tell her children everything and she was not the type who complained especially about petty things. Things she could handle, she would do it by herself. She was not the type who liked to trouble her children, unless she had to, not that she wanted to.
I just didn't get the chance to ask her about one thing although I had so many chances of doing so. I was so ashamed of myself. I didn't say any hurtful things to her, but it might be about what I did and what happened at that time. It has been bothering me eversince. I asked for forgiveness so many times from her but I didn't know why was it so difficult for me to ask her about this particular situation.
May Allah forgive me for all my wrongdoings towards my mama.
Mama left us on the fifth of Syawal, year 2012. The last words I said to her was, "Along sayang mama, Along sayang mama." when I met her after I went to search for the Sabah Snake Grass leaves as an alternative for her cancer. I tried talking to her through the phone a few times but she was in so much pain and sometimes she was slurring. Until I went back on third Syawal, that was when she could not utter proper sentences anymore. She was in so much pain. The night before she left us, we looked into each other's eyes and held hands. She looked like she had so much to say, but I knew she couldn't. She passed away just before Subuh the next morning.
I used to see this kind of 'scene' on TV dramas or films - but reality-check for it to happen to you, it never occurred to me. I was in the other room until my brother came knocking on the door and told my husband, "Mama dah takda." I thought I was dreaming. What crossed my mind at that time was, "Ya Allah, I still haven't asked her about that!"
Since it happened, she had never treated me differently, or not on not-talking terms with me. Things were as normal as before. So, I took things for granted. Now, I am regretting it. Whether she was angry or not about it, I just wanted to know how she felt and did she feel hurt about it.
It's too late now.
Just don't hurt your mother, and wait to apologise until it is too late. Mothers are mothers. No matter how angry they are towards their children, they are always forgiving, as long as you ask for it.
Mama, I hope you had forgiven me for all the wrongdoings that I done towards you. Never have you left my mind. Ever.