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Saturday, 27 October 2012

My Fondest Memories

Hi everyone...

Sorry for not updating for almost a week. Well, things turned out nasty last week with deadlines and meetings, which somehow left me super-exhausted during the nights.

Salam Aidiladha to all Muslim bloggers.

Festive occasions nowadays seem to have negative impacts on me. I am no longer turned on with the myriads of colours or 'kuih raya's. What matters to me is the family. The girls, of course. They should not miss out the fun of all these occasions just because the ibu is not feeling so.

Festive occasions always bring us all sort of memories. What are memories? Memories, to me, are something that I would want to think of throughout my life, till the end of my life. Memories which have been recollected throughout my 33 years of life. Memories of which I would like to rewind and be in them, again, without questions.

I would like to share with you some of my fondest memories.

  • When I was around 3 or 4 years old, just mama and me, mama brought me to the new house she bought with abah. I could still recall the empty house. Mama bought a packed lunch, and a book for me. We sat at the empty hall, by the sliding door, and she fed me, with her hand, while I was reading a book. It was a photographer moment if you could imagine how it would be. Why was it one of my fondest memories? It was just mama and me.
  • When I began primary school, mama said I always procrastinated with my homework. I would cry my lungs out, konon nak buat homework when everyone wanted to go to bed. I cried like nobody's business, complete with the mopping the floor routine. Mama would put me under the shower, to calm me. But, she would always accompany me, doing my homework after that, with a hot cup of milo and coaxed me.
  • When I was little, abah and mama would always scoop us out of the bed for a night ride. Not to anywhere special, but always to the Custom Quarantine Area. I would always ask mama, what actually were we doing? Mama would always say, "Nak cari hantu si Bongkok Tanjung Puteri!". As a custom officer, mama's nature of work was to check the lorries which were quarantined before they were released by the custom. Sometimes, I couldn't go to sleep just because mama had earlier told me we would be going for the night ride. Why was it my fondest memory? The fact that the whole family was together, and we siblings were banging our heads with each other at the back seat, sleeping. The fact that abah and mama did not want to leave us.
  • How mama tricked me when she wanted to show me the acceptance letter from boarding school. She came back from work early, one day. She said she was called by the school and it was reported that I did not return some of the library books. Until, she showed me the letter. Then she was quiet, because I would be leaving home for some time. 
  • The time when abah secretly cried when he wanted to send me to boarding school. Why? Abah has never been good in expressing his feelings. I would never know whether he is sad or happy. Secretive kind of guy, he is.
  • At the boarding school, I would call mama everyday, without fail. Eventhough I could only talk to her for a minute, that's more than enough for me. I would always be the first one lining up for the gate to the hostel to be opened after riadah, and made sure I would be the first one to reach the payphone. I had a 'partner in crime' for this. My dormmate, and my friend until now, Normy.
  • How we would spend most of the school holidays, by the beach. Desaru specifically. It's like a normal unspeakable routine.
  • Abah's expression when he had to carry my large suitcase, to be brought to my hostel when I entered university. It was a large and very heavy one.
  • Mama's expression, everytime I brought home her favourite kuih, bingka beras.
  • Abah and Mama's expression when I told them that someone is coming to ask for my hand in marriage.
  • How mama and me hugged each other , crying, after my khatam Quran, a very long one. How she kissed both my cheeks and forehead, and said she loved me.
  • How abah hugged and kissed me on the forehead, very long, after the solemnization of akad nikah.
  • How mama read the 'lafaz melepaskan anak' after the solemnization of akad nikah. I could not hold my tears, at the part she said, '...aku halalkan susu badanku..'
  • Mama's expression when I left home, not as a boarding school student, not as a university student, not as someone leaving for work- but as someone's wife.
  • My husband's expression, when I told him, I was pregnant, with our first child, Hannah.
  • How mama waited, patiently, for me who was in the labour room, giving birth to Hannah. It was during the fasting month.
  • The first azan, my husband gave to our first daughter, right after she was born.
  • My husband's expression, when he accompanied me, giving birth to both our daughters. It was a mixed expression of being supportive and worried.
  • The kiss on the forehead my husband gave me, after I have safely given birth.
  • Mama's expressions when she first saw both her granddaughters.
  • Mama took care of Hannah for a while, before she was sent to a nursery. There was a time, when I got home from work, Mama would be craddling Hannah in her arms, who is asleep, while she was also sleeping. It was a Kodak moment for me.
  • The first times I saw Hannah and Sarah, after they were born.
  • The first times, my two gals called me 'Ibu' and the first times they, both, smiled at me.
  • How mama tried very hard to smile, after her 5-hour long operation to remove her tumour, at me. It was her most beautiful smile.

How I wish I could be in each of these memories specifically, again.

Saturday, 13 October 2012

Things Happen for a Reason

Hi! We meet again. Successfully for my second post.

It's my second night here in Kuching and it also marked the second night ever that I have been so far away, across the South China Sea, from my girls. I can't wait till I finish my job here and go home.

I have mentioned about baby Adam in my first post. I don't know why do I feel so attached to this strong little fella. I guess it could be my maternal instinct. I frequently check his latest information through his facebook page (if you're interested to find out, you could just search Ahmad Adam Syukri SN). The latest update by his mama, he doesn't seem to respond and his condition is getting weaker. I am really praying that a miracle could happen and that his burden could be lightened in some ways.

Kuasa Tuhan.

Sometimes, we are tested with so many things and in many ways. Baby Adam sometimes made me think, of how we can be tested in so many ways. I know some people who have been trying to conceive but has not yet been given the opportunity. Sometimes I wonder about the babies who had been dumped and abandoned, they are usually very healthy and perfectly perfect. There would also be situations where God has some other plans for us - like baby Adam. I, myself, have a sister who is Down Syndrome.

That's what I meant by kuasa Tuhan.

Sometimes, things happen for a reason. If something is taken away from us, that means, God has something better planned for us. At the same time, we must never give up, despite how painful it could be.

After my mama passed away, I had so many "If Only"s. At some point, I thought that everything that had happened was my fault. I kept telling myself that I could have done more, I could have made other decisions. The last decent conversation that I had with my mother was ten days before she passed away. That was when I talked to her when I brought home some herbal medicines which have somehow proved some testimonials even for cancer patients in stage 4. I was very positive and my mama was very positive too. I could still remember the last words she said to me, "Terima kasih along buat semua ini untuk mama." I replied by telling her I love her. Immediately after that her condition got worsened.

I was heartbroken. I cried every night. I could not sleep. I did not have proper meals. I couldn't stay anywhere alone. I thought I was going crazy.

It takes time and I am still coping. But things happen for a reason. The reasons that sometimes we need to ponder and discover on our own.

In a way, each of us could be tested in so many ways. I watched one religious program some time ago, which mentioned that, even when we are happy, we are still being tested. We are being tested, in a way, whether we remember Who has somehow made everything happens. Infact, we are being tested in so many ways and all the time- every single minute, every single second.

I pray that baby Adam gets well soon. My love goes to you, sayang.

Friday, 12 October 2012

My First Post.


I don't know how many blogs have I created. I don't know how many times have I posted. However, I have made a promise to myself that I am going to regularly post something here. For my benefit.

I have gone through so many things lately which somehow made me thought that, "One day...I would love to share all these with somebody.." I am, sharing with you, something very important, as my very first post.

Lately, I have been so touched with baby Adam Syukri. I salute the mother who has somehow never failed to show her affection despite baby Adam's plight. As a mother myself, I know mother's love knows no boundaries.

My mother has just passed away. I miss her everyday. My mama was someone whom I know would never ever dissapoint each of her children.

I would like to share with you one story of how we can relate baby Adam's mama, what my mother had done for me with this story.

This was shared by my mama long time ago before I was married.

My mother was accepted to enter a boarding school. Of course, during that time, that was something that can make the whole nation beamed with pride. One day, my mother had to report for acceptance at one of the schools in Tampin. She went to report with my grandmother. After settling everything, my grandmother asked my mother, "Nak makan tak?". "Nak! Nak!" my mother replied.

They went to one restaurant in Tampin. My mother ordered a plate of rice with 'hati' chicken liver) as the main dish. She ate hungrily but at the same time noticing that my grandmother kept checking the money in her purse. Until a while, my grandmother told my mother, "Kejap ye..." and went off. Until when she returned, then my mother noticed that my grandmother was not wearing her earrings. My mother asked my grandmother, "Mana anting-anting mak?" and my grandmother replied, "Ada mak simpan."

Only after my mother was older enough to understand that she knew that my grandmother had pawned her earrings just to make sure my mother could report to school, eat her favourite dish and and at the same time made sure they had enough money to go home.

My mother asked my grandmother but she had neither said it was true nor denied it.

Everytime my mother thought of it, she would feel sad because she had never had the chance to buy any jewellery for my grandmother.

My grandmother passed away when I was still a toddler.

My mother, if I knew her well, was a mother who would never fail to fulfill any request by her children.

The simplest example would be, even when I, childishly, said, "lama dah tak makan bubur jagung mama." In just a few hours, I would always find a pot of bubur jagung for me.

That was my mama. I miss her so much.

I really hope that baby Adam's mama would never give up hope. Insya Allah, Jannah would be waiting for you and Adam.

A mother's love is always for eternity. Sometimes I feel the stroke in my hair like my mama used to do eventhough she's no longer around, with me.

Until we meet again...